There is wisdom in some expressions, one of my favorites is ‘Let
Sleeping Dogs Lie’. I am also intimately familiar with the expression ‘We all
have skeletons in our closets’, truth be told; I have an entire walk in closet, a
few garages, and 3 or 4 rented storage units just filled with bones.
So this brings me to this blogs thoughts.
A young woman that is very close to me is having some issues
with her Father. He made some poor choices in the past and she is so angry
about it.
He now has a new wife and new daughter, and he is doing the
best he can with them.
Now, from what I know he is a good man. He never ever missed
a child support payment, and always made himself available to see her. At about
15 she decided she didn't want to spend weekends with him and so they grew
further apart after that.
Fast forward 10 years, he now has a daughter from a
subsequent marriage that is about the same age as his other daughter was when
their relationship became strained. So, the second Daughter is getting to do
things that the first Daughter never ever did, so now there is this whole
jealousy dynamic.
Anyway Daughter number one honestly believes the way to deal
with this is to talk it out, but the Father isn’t too crazy about this idea
because talking it out amounts to him being chewed out for things he can’t
change, and basically allowing himself to be chastised by Daughter number one,
when it was she who chose not to spend time with him during those years and not
the other way around. As a man with a mans pride I can completely understand his reluctance.
So, when they attempt to talk, the talks don’t go smoothly,
and the rational discussions become nothing more or less than accusations. They
both have hurt feelings about the past, and neither one of them can change a
damn thing.
So, what now?
Some would say that they need to have some family counseling
to resolve their issues.
I say, leave the past in the past and move on.
Life is full of choices, and one of those choices; as an
adult, is to choose who we do, and do not, want to have a relationship with.
Now I am not saying that she should stop having a relationship with her Father,
but she should accept the fact that no amount of rehashing, debating,
discussing, or delving into, issues of the past are going to undo what’s been
done.
So she needs to either close those bones in the closet forgive
and move forward, or terminate the relationship completely.
This may sound extreme but the alternative is just sabotaging
what relationship they do have.
It would be nice if hurting someone could make us hurt less,
or if confronting someone about our injuries could somehow make them heal
faster, but the sad truth is neither of these things are the case.
As I see it, he isn’t hurting her right now, actually he
wants to take back the hurt and make everything better but he just can’t do it.
Honestly I kind of feel bad for the guy, not because I
really know him but because I too am a guy with a non-traditional family
dynamic, and further more I came from a family with a non-traditional dynamic.
I carry the scars from it too.
My greatest fear is that her relationship with her Father
ends up like my relationship with my Mother and Father.
The relationship with myself and my Mother and Father is
strained and civil, and honestly I can’t imagine it ever being any other way. I
wish it wasn’t so but it is what it is. I don’t like my Mother, and my Father
and quite possibly my Mother don’t really like me. We just went in different
directions and now we are so far apart that I doubt we will ever find a common
ground, and I don’t know that I would really want to.
This is so sad….. My greatest fear is that my relationship
with my son and daughters ever becomes like my relationship with my Father and
Mother. I may as well be an orphan, and it hurts me.
With that said here is my advice to this young woman who is
so close to me.
Please, try as hard as you can to forgive and forget. Do
everything in your power to stay in your Father’s life no matter how far you
live apart, try telling him how important he is to you instead of telling him
how he has hurt you or how you have been hurt by your relationship.
Embrace today and hope for a better tomorrow because life will move you both along, days turn to weeks, weeks to months, and then months to years, and then one day you realize that the piece of your heart that should be occupied by your real Fathers love is empty, and although you can fill it with other things it just won’t be the same.
Embrace today and hope for a better tomorrow because life will move you both along, days turn to weeks, weeks to months, and then months to years, and then one day you realize that the piece of your heart that should be occupied by your real Fathers love is empty, and although you can fill it with other things it just won’t be the same.
You will find that you can never ever be loved by too many
people but it is very possible not to be loved by enough.
This young woman you refer to is lucky to have you, Jody in her life. Maybe you are right. At least, how you say it sure does sound right. Maybe this girl is angry but most likely more sad than mad.
ReplyDeleteYou're right. She will never get back her childhood. Talking about it won't change her childhood. Talking about it could ultimately be detrimental to the relationship rather than productive.
I think that this girl should just realize that it is what it is and also realize that while she did not have the "traditional" or "brady bunch dad" she does have terrific father figures in her life such as her stepdad and grandfather. I think she should embrace more of what she does have instead of wishing and hoping for something that simply was never and probably will never be there.
S
I remember being that age, being angry at how I was treated as a throwaway child in a divorce that took 10 years, full of drama and lies. I also remember the day I chose to be in control of my own life, accept the past, create my own "family" of sorts, and leave the past in the past.
ReplyDeleteFor your friends, both dad and daughter, the wounds run deep and may never heal. Another option is instead of talking about the past, which can't be changed, maybe asking what the future should look like, and how to make it work??? Not repeating the mistakes of the past is often the best way to heal. Blessings to all ;-)
We live in a society where we are all now encouraged to discuss and dig up every feeling and every single incident in our past as if we are archeologist on a dig for the Holy Grail. We cannot change the past. None of us has a time machine to climb into to go back and repair whatever damage we have done to the people we love. We only have right now. We can all try to not repeat our past mistakes and be the best people we can be each and every day going forward.
ReplyDeleteI agree that she should let the past go so that she can have a relationship with her Dad right now. He doesn't have to subject himself to a verbal flogging every time they are together. I hope he leaves the door open for her but he has the right to tell her he will not have his past behavior thrown in his face anymore because he is a different man, a better man today.
Holy crap Jody that was some excellent stuff. SWIM ('Someone Who Isn't Me' ... maybe....) completely agrees with your pov. My great and good friend Wayne told me once that where family stuff goes we have to 'love them until they love themselves.' By this he meant, though we're ready to make amends, others need the time they need. All we can do in the meantime is love 'em.
ReplyDeleteAin't life grand?
Thanks again for sharing. You're the best.